A separation or a divorce is one of the most painful events in our lives. This is also true for the children involved. If you are looking for ways to support children during a divorce, you have come to the right place. Let me help you better understand what your children are going through and provide some insight that will assist you in better managing this difficult time in your child’s life.
A very emotional week
My name is Cecile, and I’m a mom and Stepmom. Last week was a very emotional week for our family. We had to say goodbye to a special aunt who left us way too soon. These last few days, My Husband and I have been talking about how the boys were going through their unique grieving process. Most people associate grief with the death of someone close. However, the grieving process can also be felt during any other loss, such as losing a job, a health problem, or a terminal illness. Below I will be talking about how a child grieves their parents’ separation and what you can do to help them move on.
The passing of my aunt last week got me thinking about how difficult it must have been for my oldest. He was only 6 years old when I decided to leave their father in 2013. His whole world had come crumbling down. That year he had to grieve the divorce of his parents, an uncle’s passing, and his best friend moving out of the country for a year. Since most children cannot tell us that they are grieving due to their age, I felt it was a good time to share how you can support your children during a divorce. First, let’s see the grieving cycle.
The grieving cycles
Let me start by saying that grieving is a normal universal process after a loss. Although, when it starts, how long it lasts, or how we grieve is unique and personal. The process is not linear or pre-defined. However, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist, gives us a theory of a cycle of 5 stages people go through during grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. Studies have shown that younger children will go through this cycle faster and easier. Pre-teens and teenagers will have a more challenging time and a more extended grieving process. However, this cycle gives us a better perspective to help them overcome the divorce.
Denial
Denial or shock is the first step when we hear the news. In this phase, the parent needs to be careful about interpreting their children’s feelings. Some children will act as if nothing is different, so the parents are relieved and happy that the child is taking this news so well. However, they could be entirely in denial because the news is too big to handle, and they don’t accept the news. Think of this as your body’s natural defence mechanism saying, “hey, there’s only so much I can handle at once.”
How can parents help
At this stage, it’s essential to inform the people close to the child, for example, the teacher, daycare, etc. Prepare yourselves mentally for the next step.
Anger
The anger and guilt phase can be pretty difficult. However, on a good note, it also means that the healing process has begun. During this phase, some children will blame themselves, thinking they misbehave, which is the reason for their parent’s divorce. They will need to work through their anger and guilt.
How can parents help
During this phase, both parents need to remind them explicitly that the cause of the divorce is not their fault and they love them very much. As a parent, our instinct is to intervene and protect our children from painful things. However, divorce is inevitably painful so take a step back; there is no problem to be solved but to listen and be compassionate.
Depression
Depression or sadness may show in different behaviour depending on the child. Check out the chart below.
How can parents help
Some children will withdraw, and while it’s important to give them the space, they need to create opportunities to spend time together. Again, be understanding and validate their emotions. Let them know it is okay to feel upset, and encourage them to share how they feel.
If the sadness or behaviour persists, you may need help from a professional. There is also the Kids Help Phone, where they can talk or chat with a trained volunteer crisis responder about anything 24/7 for free in Canada.
Bargaining
At this stage, the child may think there is a last hope to bring back his parent together. They may pretend they are sick, so the parent needs to communicate more or ask to attend a special event with both parents. They may try to bargain by saying,” Come home; I’ll be good if you do.”
How can parents help
Be honest and gentle. Remind the children that the separation or the divorce is not their fault, and you are there to help them get through it.
Acceptance
The child finally understands that this event is not their fault, and little by little, they adjust to their new normal.
What not to do
As a parent, you may find it difficult to hear what your child has to say. However, a child’s job is not to make the parent feel better or protect you during a divorce. I suggest you also take care of yourself and get the help and support you need to deal with how your child’s feelings impact you. As a divorced Mom, I was in therapy for over a year, and it was probably the best thing I did for myself and my children.
Final Thoughts
Children may not be able to let us know how they feel after their parents announce they are getting a divorce. No one knows how long it will take to go through the grieving cycle. Some studies show that it takes an average of 6 months to 4 years. However, the grieving process is a very personal journey. Now that you know how to support children during a divorce, you will be able to guide them and get the help they need to move forward.
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Cecile XO
Thanks for the great article!
My pleasure. Glad you liked it.