How To Overcome The Insecurities From Being The Second Wife!

The insecurities from being the second wife are real. It affects many married women or those in a serious relationship with someone previously married. This can occur in relationships that do or do not include children. These same feelings can undoubtedly be felt by the second husband, too, since it is not gender-specific.

Feeling inadequate while trying to fill the space that was left behind is not unusual. If you are here today, you are probably feeling this quite common but also unspoken feeling. Most of us, the second wife, will encounter this feeling at some point in time throughout our relationship. Those names that belittle us, such as “the other one, “the little girlfriend,” or “the new girl,” make us doubt ourselves how important we truly are.

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The reasons behind the insecurities

The why

Now there are only two questions you need to ask yourself. First and foremost, you are not alone! The “second “wife syndrome” exists” in different intensity levels for everyone.

  1. Is your partner giving you a reason to feel insecure?
  2. Or are you self-sabotaging yourself?

An important discussion

Now, take time to sit down with your husband or partner and talk about how you are feeling. Most have no idea that this insecurity exists, and they might be surprised that you are comparing yourself with someone with whom they are pleased you are nothing alike. I never saw myself as the jealous type, but there I was, comparing myself to his ex-wife. Even though Frank showed me without a doubt that he loved me, the insecurity from being the second one was very present.

When Frank and I first met, I wanted to learn what he loved about her and why he had fallen in love with her. I remember trying to see if I had those same qualities and some of the same traits he once loved so much, even though I knew I was nothing like her. Each time my husband brought up a memory about an adventure, an activity, or a trip he had done, the first question that came up in my head was: Did you do this with your ex-wife?

I knew soon enough that all the comparisons and insecurities needed to stop. All of this was only killing the potential to finally be happy with a wonderful man that loved me for who I was.

Looking out at the beach

Accepting

The hardest part was to accept that some important milestones in Franks’s life would not be shared with me as they already happened when he was with his first wife. I will never be the one to carry his first child and will not ever have one of our own. Also, I will never be the person with whom he will buy his first house. Finally, I will a-l-w-a-y-s be the second wife. For so long, I had wished that I had met him sooner so I could get to have loved him longer.

Now let me explain to you how I managed to surpass these insecurities of being the second wife (second anything), so I could move on and move forward and live a better life. Let us walk through the challenging facts first so you can see why those insecurities exist in the first place.

The Challenging Facts

Statistics

First, the odds are against us. Studies show that over 50% of marriages end up in divorce. They also show that 60% of second marriages also end up in divorce, which is even higher when children of previous marriages are involved. This fact is scary. Learning this right after a divorce can undoubtedly change many people’s minds on marriage. I knew I did not want to live through another divorce. It was an exceedingly difficult life event that I did not want to go through again.

Blended families

Secondly, when I met Frank, we knew we were in it for the long run. Although I was happy before meeting him, he ended up making us even more content. I can honestly say that he has coloured my world. So, if you have found that special someone with whom you share that mutual feeling, do not let these facts/statistics give you cold feet. More importantly, do not let them scare you away from giving it your all.

Secondly, when children are born into the original relationship your partner shared with the first wife, she will often remain part of yours. Here are some obstacles a blended family will encounter:

  • Non-traditional Holidays
  • Co-parenting
  • Shared birthdays
  • A different set of rules in each household
  • Financial issues
  • The list goes on.

We have been living this blended family life for more than seven years now. I have to admit; the first few years were difficult to adjust to but so worth it. They say it takes 2-7 years for a blended family to find its identity. I found immense gratitude within my blended family. Check out my new e-book: The Art of Successfully Blending Families: A guide to a happy blended family.

Importance of the second Wedding

Finally, there is a misconception that no one takes your second marriage seriously. After all, we are making a second commitment in front of our family and friends once again. Why should people think this will last or that this time is going to be any different? Frank did not want a big wedding ceremony as he had for his first wedding. In my head, I was hearing: This wedding is not a big deal, so we only need a small ceremony. Having a big celebration with my family and friends was especially important to me, but not Frank. Having a conversation with your husband will help you understand what is essential and where to make compromises.

Walking on the beach

Frank and I decided on a destination wedding with a small group of family and friends. This way, he was having his small ceremony, and at the same time, it was the first family vacation that included our four kids, which was especially important for me. The small ceremony had nothing to do with the importance of the wedding at all.  

On a positive note

Now, it’s ok to visit those insecurities from being the second wife occasionally if they do not interfere with your happiness. I do, but I do not dwell on them because there is an incredibly positive and beautiful side to being the second wife. Now, I even smile when someone calls me the “Second Wife.”  Let m”give you some incredible tips so you can also deal with these insecurities and move on to a much better place.

4 Tips to overcome these insecurities from being the second wife

Tip 1 :

The past is the past

Yes, it is as simple as that. You cannot control what is already done. You can only control the future. As much as you stay in the past and try to make sense of it, it will not rewrite its story, and you cannot turn back time. As much as I wish I had met Frank sooner, I am so grateful for the four boys we raised together while watching them transform into great men. I would not change anything from our imperfect blended family of 6. I feel so content when I rest my head on my pillow at night and think about all the great memories that we are creating with them. We were lucky enough to find each other. So instead of feeling pity for myself, I promise to love Frank stronger to make up for all those years we have missed.

Tip 2 :

Concentrate on the better version of your partner

Like everything else in life, most of us usually get better at something the second time around. They say practice makes perfect. The artist creates a draft before his masterpieces, so why can’t we do the same when it comes to our second chances? I believe I have been a better version of myself since my first marriage. I have learned from my journey, and by the time I met Frank, I knew what I liked and what I did not. I am more mature now, and I am no longer going through the motions and following the steps our society may have laid out for us. I also honestly believe that I also got a better version of my husband. We both chose to remarry because we knew exactly what we wanted in life, and our values and love for each other were aligned together. 

The first few years I met Frank, he felt guilty, blaming himself for his divorce. It was tough for him to accept his divorce without feeling it as a defeat. Everyone that knows Frank knows that if he promises something, he keeps that promise. So, I knew when he had made his decision to ask me to be his wife, he was genuinely confident that this decision was the right one.

Tip 3 :

Look forward to the milestones to come

As much as I wanted to be the first at everything, I will rather be the last. There are so many milestones yet to come, such as the boy’s graduations, grandchildren, new travel adventures, and so much more. And, of course, the arrival of our family addition, Ella, a King Charles Cavalier.   Our family dog became an important member of our blended family for all of us. I am the lucky one who will get to grow old with him.

Tip 4 :

Add something new to both of you

When possible, buy a house, rent an apartment that you both love and choose together. We also got rid of a lot of things that we both had during our first marriages, such as wine glasses, decorations, and bed (this was a big issue for me. I did not want to sleep in a bed that was once shared between my husband and his ex-wife). Redecorate and create new memories and try to visit places that are new to both of you.

Final thoughts

Of course, I still feel insecure from time to time. Even after seven years together, I will sometimes still look at and compare myself to her. But all the positives in my life counterbalance all those insecurities. Leaving the past behind, accepting our partner for who he is and concentrating on our future will undoubtedly make being the second wife that much better and easier. After all, we got a second chance at love, and WE CAN rewrite our story just the way we want.

I would love to hear from you. Do you have any tips on how you are managing these insecurities from being a second wife? If you like this post, check out my post on: The list for building a healthy relationship.

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84 thoughts on “How To Overcome The Insecurities From Being The Second Wife!

  1. Dealing with the Ex-factor is very stressful and taxing at times. There are down days when insecurities cloud my judgement and I say something stupid to my partner which I regret later. Your article makes me believe that one day/moment should not ruin something so beautiful.

    1. Good afternoon Ami!

      I’m so glad my article gave you clarity and hope. I’d love for you to join our newsletters by subscribing to our page; you’d be one of the first to receive my latest post… It’s totally free 🤗

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  7. Thank you for your insights and honest sharing! I have struggled with these same insecurities. It has caused tension at times but we are working through it all ❤️

    1. Hi Stacey,
      Thank you for your comment. I hear you. I still feel some of the insecurities from time to time too. I’m glad you’re both are working through it ❤️.

  8. I like your article. Can relate to lots of it. However, in the end, I was not able to make it work. I never thought all the things you described would affect me as much as they did. And for a long time, I refused to admit it. But gradually it took its toll. Ironically it got worse after we married. Because I realised ‘this is it. It won’t get better’.
    So I disconnected. I became resentful. I fell out of love. Realised I was unhappier than I ever had been and was becoming someone I really didn’t like. And so I left hats off to those of you who make it work.

    1. Hi Lola,
      I hear you. It was probably one of my biggest challenges, too, and It was hard to explain how I felt to those who never went through something similar. I kept my feeling for myself at first to a point, like you, I became resentful. We need to create awareness around this topic so we can inspire others living this insecurity.
      Thank you so much for your comment. 🤗

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  13. To me, it seems far easier (still not easy!) to be married to a divorced person than a widowed person. As a widow, this is something I’ve encountered – yucky feelings dating widowers. They didn’t voluntarily leave their spouses, as a divorced person does, and it’s interesting how one tends to remember the best of the deceased person. I’m ready, but many widowed men seem completely emotionally unavailable.
    It’s so good to hear that you’ve had a successful second (and best!) marriage.

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  18. These are excellent considerations for second wives. I’ve not had this experience but I know so many that have. You are right. Often the worst damage is done by the wife, comparing herself with the prior spouse.

  19. Great advice. My hubby and I were married young, so no significant others or children to deal with. I can imagine how tricky this may be to maneuver. Its important to realize your own importance, and forget the comparisons.

  20. A bed was the first purchase my husband and I made together. When we moved in October, we got rid of almost all the furniture so, when we get settled, we won’t have his stuff and mine. Instead, we will pick our pieces together.

    1. I have been divorced for many years. I’ve dated since but neither relationship worked out. I’m not dating anyone at this time and okay with it. My ex however is on his third wife. I wonder if these two women have had these feelings. Great post and much needed.

      1. Thanks You Alice. It not always obvious to know our place in a relationship but the fact that you are thinking about these things certainly shows that you are more self aware than most.

  21. Really deep, interesting perspectives. Indeed communicating your feelings and being as honest as possible is key. My husband always says, “tell me the gut wrenching truth of how you’re feeling” I believe that honestly has helped us a lot!

  22. I know that it is a big possibility that I will become a second wife someday. Thank you for the tips.

    1. My pleasure. Please feel free to subscribe to my blog and follow us on our journey as a stepfamily of 6. Our goal is to inspire other blended families to create a happy and loving family. I’d love to have you in our community 🤗

  23. Excellent perspective! Lisa had a previous relationship where she was the second wife. At first it was hard, but with communication it became easier.

  24. Great tips and advice. Congratulations on the success and love of your second marriage! Inspiring post

  25. It took us over 18 years to become comfortable with my ex new wife. They made it very difficult. But there was a complicated back story. I think this will be helpful for most who are experiencing this complicated dynamic.

  26. These are really great thoughts and tips! I think the most important tip you gave was communicating with your spouse. They may have no idea what you are feeling, and telling them is so important!

  27. This is so beautifully written. Some of these points can be contributed to second husbands. My husband and I discussed many of these things informally as we navigated all of the things above. I am happy to report we will be married for 30 years this year. Thanks so much for sharing.

    1. Thank you Sabrina. It can be felt for any gender for sure. 30 years… that is awesome. ❤️ I love to hear successful stories. We blog about our ongoing journey as a blended family. I’d love for you to join my community. 🤗

  28. Beautiful perspective! I think it is important to remember you both came together for a reason and that was love. Open communication has helped a lot for us.

  29. This really hit home. I am kind of a second. My husband had a serious relationship and a child before he met me. It was really hard for me at first. I’m now comfortable after 12 years of marriage.

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