Dealing with a family battle with the Ex-partner
The healthiest way to settle disagreements between biological parents after a separation or a divorce is for both parties to always have the children’s best interests in mind. Unfortunately, it leads to a court battle when the two parents can’t agree on the schedule’s custody, financial support or what each believes is best for the child. No one wins if they end up in that final option! At that point, everyone, including the children, has already lost so much. Lawyers and legal fees are expensive, and the children could have benefited from that money. If your blended family is heading in that direction, here is how to help your partner during a family court battle with the Ex.
Your partner will need your support more than ever. You may not be directly involved as a stepparent, but you will be indirectly affected. It will be essential to keep your cool if new information arises from your partner’s past. You will need to remember that it may or may not be accurate. On top of all this, you must be proactive and take care of yourself.
The Law is different in every Country, State and or province.
Separation or divorce is one of the most challenging life events. Here in New Brunswick, Canada, it is the child’s right to have financial assistance from BOTH parents. Some studies also show that shared custody 50/50 leads to fewer psychological problems. That being said, every situation is different, and each family dynamic is unique. The goal is always to have the children’s best interests in mind. Parents need to ensure that their children’s needs are met. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs explains the minimum we can offer our children (see schema below).
As parents, we should put our insecurities and feelings aside and make decisions based on what is best for our children to thrive in life. The best scenario is always to prevent going to court.
A legal separation agreement can prevent a court battle
A legal separation agreement can help prevent a family court battle. Concrete and well-written instructions on shared custody, financial support, holiday arrangements, hours, location of pick-up, etc., can help reduce conflict and stress for all family members. The legal separation agreement should be revised when new information or custody arrangements change. When the two parents don’t agree, this is when a court battle may be the only solution.
I don’t think I would have believed you if you had told me six years ago that my husband would be heading in that direction. Frank and his ex-wife were very amicable when I first met him. They spoke almost every night and visited each other often with their two boys. During special occasions, they even went to extended family suppers together. Frank helped her settle into her new home with the boys, and they even went on a family vacation to Disney World two months after I met Frank. As Frank and I got more serious, they kept being friends, but we added boundaries to form our own blended family of 6, and it was less confusing for the four children.
So, even if things look great now for you and your family, and you don’t see the need for a legal separation agreement, I can assure you that things can turn sour quickly. You never know what can change in a few years, 5, 10 or even 15 years from now. Take the time to write down a legal separation agreement. A legal agreement may prevent you from a court battle in the future. It will give you peace of mind and cost you 500$-1K instead of a 15K to 35K court battle.
How to Support Your Partner
Your partner will need you more than ever, even if they don’t let you know.
1. Listen and be compassionate:
Let them vent and validate their feelings. Be their guidance and their calm. However, don’t let them dwell on negativity. I tend to dwell on things I have no control over and am the only one getting hurt. When both of you are calm, I suggest agreeing on a pack; for example: Allow each other to vent for a predetermined set amount of time, then sit down calmly and attempt to figure out a plan or solution for this situation. If it’s a situation, neither of you has control over it, letting it go may be the best solution.
2. Help them define their goals and strategies:
What they want for the outcome, and what is negotiable and not. Also, what questions should they ask their lawyer during their next visit?
3. Do the research:
Get well-informed and study similar cases. Learn their rights and the children’s rights too. Information gives you more clarity, and as I said, never lose sight that your partner is doing this for the children’s best interest.
4. Organized documents:
Become the keeper of the critical dates. Gather documents, receipts, and paperwork.
5. The day of the court – be your partner’s rock:
As much as it will be hard for you, you will need to be stronger during the court days for your partner and the children. They will need someone who can reassure and tell them how great they did.
6. Keeping your cool when new information arises
New information about Frank’s ex comes up yearly and sometimes shakes our relationship. Be prepared for some twisted misinterpretations that negatively paint your partner or both of you. Open up to your partner and have some conversations. If you trust your partner and are genuinely transparent with each other, don’t let others influence your perception.
We all want to believe that the system will see through these misinterpretations. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. However, you and your partner know better, so always answer with facts and evidence but never with your emotions. Keep your emotions out of the courtroom. Always keep your goals in mind, which is best for the children.
Don’t forget to take care of YOU, Stepparent!
No one can care for others if they don’t care for themselves first. Like they say:” You can’t pour from an empty cup.” I wish I could express how difficult and stressful this process is, but no words can describe how complex and lengthy that never-ending process can be. It is physically, mentally, financially exhausting, and painful.
I was not ready for this long battle; unfortunately, It is not over yet. I’ve been mad most of the time. This situation has not just affected my husband and his children; it has also affected my two sons and me. My sons cannot get what I think is fair since I need to help with the financial burden. Not taking care of myself brought me to depression with panic attacks—something I had never experienced before. Today I’m feeling much better with the help of my doctor and my husband’s support. Therefore, here is what I recommend to you to cope with this situation if you don’t want to end up like me.
1. Find a therapist or psychologist:
Even though everything seems fine right now, it doesn’t hurt to speak with someone more objective. Your family can be a great source of support with good intentions. However, they may not be objective about the whole situation. I suggest not discussing this matter too openly with your extended family members. My reason is that it may influence your goals during the entire case. Also, no matter the children’s age, they should only know what they need to know. Remember that they love both parents no matter what, even if one parent did something you consider wrong.
2. Do something you love:
Find a hobby to help you occasionally get your mind off things.
3. Healthy habits:
It seems simple, but eating well, exercising, and having good sleeping habits will help you be more alert and calm.
4. Date your partner:
Take some time alone, just the two of you, without discussing the court battle and everything around it.
5. Journaling:
Writing down your thoughts can help decrease emotional distress and help you fall asleep. Also, studies show that it can improve physical and psychological health.
Final Thoughts
The family court battle will bring stress to every member of your family. During a divorce or a separation, the best outcome is for the parents to agree on what is best for the children and develop a fair legal agreement to avoid a court battle.
As a Stepparent, I often think about how our blended family could potentially change after the court hearing. When your partner goes through a family court battle with the ex, it will put your relationship to the test. Remember that this family court battle your partner is going through with the ex is for the children’s sake. Your partner will need you, so take care of yourself to be your best when the time comes.
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Cecile
