Have you recently met someone new that has children from a previous relationship? Is there one extended family member or friend who disapproves of your new relationship? If you are looking for ways to deal with someone who doesn’t like you within your new blended family, you came to the right place.
My name is Cecile, a mom and a stepmom. A year ago, I started to blog about the growing reality of blended families. I blog about positive strategies we used to help with our unique challenges encountered during our ongoing journey as a blended family of 6. I recently wrote as a guest post for the UpJourney Magazine about Dealing with a stepchild who doesn’t like you. It got me thinking of a situation I had lived through as a child that might help others.
My Story
I come from a blended family of 3, and my mother and I lived with my grandparents until I was nine years old before meeting my father. He is the one and only father in my life. I never met my biological father since he never wanted anything to do with me. My father took me under his wings and became the best role model any little girl could have. I never felt like I was a bother; instead, I saw myself as a great bonus.
At 11 years old, my parents finally decided to get married. My father has nine siblings, and 8 of them accepted me within their extended family right away. I call them aunts and uncles, and it felt like I’ve known them all my life. Unfortunately, one of my father’s sisters made it very clear that she did not like me and would never see me as her niece. My parents first announced that they were getting married when I was ten years old, the day before a family reunion for my grandparent’s-to-be wedding anniversary party. At the party, as I was chatting with my wonderful cousin-to-be, and my father’s sister walked in and said, “I will never be your aunt.”
I cannot exactly remember how I dealt with her not liking me when I was that young, but I remember how hurtful it felt throughout my teenage years. When I graduated from high school, she gave me 100 dollars as a gift without a card. I remember saying, “Oh, you didn’t have to,” and her response was,” well, I had no choice.” That was the first time I had cried over her harsh comments.
3 Tips to help deal with someone who doesn’t like you in your new family
Starting a new family can be pretty stressful on its own. Therefore, dealing with someone who disapproves of your new relationship can put an extra burden on this new journey. If you are going through a similar situation or know someone who is, here are helpful tips on overcoming this situation.
First, you cannot change how someone feels about you. You have no control over someone’s emotions. The one thing you have control is how you react to their feelings. Here are few ways you can deal with them. These tips will help you toward a relationship with them or enable you to move on. No matter who doesn’t like you ( an aunt, mother, ex-wife, etc.), the way you deal is the same.
1.Find something you have in common.
If the end goal is to have a relationship with that person, let them get to know you. Find something you both share or have in common. Ask questions regarding something they like. With constancy and time, it will help create that bond. Keep in mind that you have at least one thing in common, and that is; love for the significant other or the stepparent. As a child, I was trying so hard to bond with her for the sake of my parents.
2.Give it time.
Time is the key. Remember, you are not the problem. That person’s feelings have nothing to do with you. With time, they will get to know you and see how much you are making your significant other happy. Soon, they will see that you are not a threat and you have good intentions.
3.Be respectful.
No matter how hard it can be, always be respectful. It will give you a fighting chance to bond with this family member in the future. No good will ever come from being rude or fighting.
If that person disrespects you, say stop and walk away. I still remember when I first stepped away from my father’s sister. I came to visit my parents at their house, and she was already there sitting at the kitchen table with another aunt and cousins. Three weeks before, I had just given birth to my second child. He had constantly been crying. She started saying I was giving him too much milk, and she was very vulgar about it. I got up and walked away, got in the car and left. As much as I wanted to respond, I knew it wouldn’t have helped the situation, and I would only hurt the people I love around me.
The importance of the relationship with someone who doesn’t like you
When you have tried your best to create a relationship with that person, but unfortunately, everything failed. It is time to ask yourself if you want to keep trying or move on. I was 34 years old when I finally decided to move on. I realized there was nothing more I could give to this unhealthy relationship. My parents have been married for more than 30 years, and to this day, she does not accept me into the family. Here are some tips to help you move on.
Concentrate on family members who love you.
I feel so lucky to have gained eight new aunts and uncles and many beautiful cousins. I see all of them as often as I can. They got to know my kids and have made some great memories with us. We share a special bond. Concentrate on nurturing the bond with the one who already loves you.
Healthy emotional boundaries.
Boundaries are personal property lines. They help you stay mentally healthy. Learn to set boundaries so the person’s emotions are no more relevant to you. This will also help you avoid burnout and fulfill a happy relationship with the other family members that matter.
Joaquin Selva, Bc.S, Psychologist, from Positive Psychology Website, explains how to set healthy boundaries.
Final thoughts
Having to deal with someone who doesn’t like you in your new blended family can be very stressful. Keep in mind that you do not have control over others’ emotions. Trying to get to know that person, staying respectful, and creating positive surroundings can help change their feelings towards you. Know that every relationship is in a continual state of change. Even if you cannot have a healthy relationship right now, it does not mean it will always stay that way. At some point, you will need to choose if that relationship is still important to you. If the answer is yes, keep trying. In the meantime, concentrate and nurture the connection with people who bring you joy and happiness.
How you deal with someone who does not like you within your new blended family is entirely up to you. As you can guess, I could not create a healthy relationship with my father’s sister. Looking back, I did everything I could, and it was her choice not to get to know me, and it was my choice to move on.
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