How To Survive In Your New Role As A Stepmom

Are you looking for ways to survive in your new role as a stepmom? Even if you are not a new stepmom but are struggling to stay afloat with all the hats you need to wear, you came to the right place!

My name is Cecile, and I am a mom of two and a stepmom of two. We have been living together as a stepfamily for more than seven years. I left my 15 years career as a registered nurse to become a small business owner. In 2020, I started blogging about the growing reality of stepfamilies and how we can navigate the unique challenges of this journey. I’m also the writer of the e-book “ The Art of Successfully Blending Families: A guide to a happy blended family.

Today, blended families are a sizable portion of our population worldwide. The Stepfamily Foundation notes that more than 1300 blended families are formed every day in the US alone. In Canada, in 2016, 567 270 children lived in a blended family. Despite these alarming numbers, there is little to no support for blended families and being a stepmom is one of the most challenging roles in our society.

Stepmom Challenges

Our role

Being a new mom is hard in general, but we have nine months to prepare and read as many books as possible on what to expect. While becoming a Stepmom can occur within a few months with little to no support, understanding and appreciation from others. Our society has been teaching us what is a traditional motherhood role since we were a child. However, no one teaches us how to cope with our role as stepmoms. What are we anyway? Are we a parent? Yes, we are, but the key is to know when to be a parent and when to take a step back.

Over time, I understood that my role as a stepmom would constantly change. Sometimes I am a parent, other times, I am a cheerleader, a friend, a role model, an audience member, or only their father’s new partner. It takes time to orchestrate all these roles. Many factors within your new family dynamic will define which part you will be playing the most, for instance, the age of the children, how much the biological mother is involved, etc. The one thing we are not for sure of is trying to replace a biological parent.

Even though you disagree on their parenting style, never bring down the biological mother in front of the children. Wait until the children are in bed to speak with your partner about how you feel. Always remember that the biological parent is a part of a child. When you tell them you hate their other biological parent, you tell them you hate half of who they are. This could destroy any chances you had to create a bond with your stepchildren. As stepparents, we are there to improve a child’s life experience, not to bring them down. Here are three tips on how you can survive while adjusting to your new role as a stepmom.

3 tips how to survive in your new role as a stepmom

#1 – Be kind and patient with yourself.

First, lower your expectations. We can be very hard on ourselves sometimes. No one will validate or understand how hard you are working towards being the best stepmom you can be. Depending on the child’s age, chances are they will not see it right away either. Just be yourself. They will learn to appreciate you for you. It is not a competition about who is the best and most fun adult in their life.

Support groups

There are a few support groups for stepfamilies and stepmoms on social media that you can follow. Be careful while choosing the right one for you, as some are full of venting and can become a real downer. Try choosing one that provides tips and positive support instead.

Journaling and reflection

Writing in a journal and reflecting on the solution instead of the problem is my lifesaver. It gives me more clarity, and it is liberating. Most of the time, the answers are within me.

#2 – Do not lose yourself

Your well-being and your relationship with your partner should be your top priority. When both of you are healthy mentally and physically, everything will fall into place, even the kids. The stronger your relationship with your partner, the stronger the foundation for your new blended family will be. Your partner might want to spend extra time with the children, do not take it personally. Chances are it has nothing to do with not wanting to spend time with you. Your significant other will also need additional time to adjust to his new normal too. Instead, be supportive and understanding.

Communication with your partner will be crucial. Let them know your expectations and how you are feeling about your new role as a stepmom.

The Nachokid theory is a method from Lori and David Sims that can help alleviate the stress and burden stepmoms put upon themselves at the beginning of the relationship. It has helped me cope and determine my personnel boundaries to survive as a stepmom.

#3 – Accept and forgive yourself

Let us be real here! You might not love or even like your stepchildren right away, and that is OKAY! But always treat them with respect and integrity. It will take some time to bond with your stepchildren. Check out how I was able to bond with my stepchildren. Accept that it will not be perfect, and you will make mistakes. Learn to forgive yourself and move forward. Learning your new role as a Stepmom will take patience and time.

Final Thoughts

Frank and I were on the same page with our roles within our children’s lives. For my two stepsons, I played the part of the loving Auntie. You know the fun one, but at the same time, the one who took care of our needs gave advice and listened to our problems. On the other hand, Frank played the role of the cool Uncle. The one who teaches you how to build stuff, play video games and make you laugh. The primary discipline was managed by the biological parent for each of the children, like the Nachokid theory.

Today, after seven years together, I still leave the primary discipline to Frank for my two stepsons. However, Frank will step in sometimes to discipline my two sons. My sons were younger when Frank became part of their lives, and I think it’s the reason Frank was able to play a more significant role with discipline. This way works great for us for now, but as I said, my role as a stepmom is consistently changing. I can tell you with certainty that it gets easier to adapt and transition between the multitude of roles we are playing with time.

While trying to survive in your new role as a stepmom, remember these three tips. Be kind, accept and forgive and do not lose yourself by trying too hard. Remember, it is not a competition with the biological mom. There is no such thing as too many positive role models in a child’s life, so BE ONE <3!

I’d like to hear from you, comment and let me know your ways to survive in your role as a stepmom. Join our family by subscribing on the right sidebar and be one of the first to get our latest blog post.

Cecile