The Big Move Under One Roof!

Blending two families into one

Big decision

After the Holidays, Frank and I decided to move together in March 2015. We were giving ourselves three months to get every family member ready for this huge step. We had no idea how to handle the big move under one roof. We did the best we could with the information we had. Our intuition was that we were doing the right thing.

In the past ten months, the four boys learned to know each other more. We had the chance to spend some quality time together. We did many sleepovers during weekends and had small family trips such as camping, family reunions, festivals, etc. Do not get me wrong; we had some rocky roads. There were times when they did not get along and had many fights. But they couldn’t wait to see each other again.

Being in a relationship is complicated. Being a parent is difficult. Finding balance in our personal lives and working is rough and needs a ton of patience. It’s challenging work and even trickier to pull it off while trying to blend two families into one. It takes more than what we are equipped with, and because of that, the failure rate is exceptionally high. I will be taking you on this 3-year adventure within my future posts, such as rituals and routines, new family rules, taking care of your relationship, bonding with your bonus children, money management, etc.

Moving Day

I had imagined this day, March 1^st, to be fun and exciting for everyone. It was not at all what I had expected. We were already tired from packing boxes, and the boys were already fighting for toys when we got to Frank’s house. My recommendation, if you can, is to hire a moving company or ask someone to take the kids for the day of the big move under one roof. Those little things will help reduce the amount of stress for everyone. Despite these missteps, I am happy to say that night, after all the kids were in bed and the house got quiet, I was glad to be beside Frank with my whole family under one roof.

Sharing spaces

Neutral place

Like I said in a previous blog, it is crucial to start in a neutral place or within a new space while navigating each step of the process of blending a new family. Moving together into a new home so that everyone has the same level of comfort at the same time is the best scenario. This is not always possible, so I recommend that everyone swap bedrooms. This will help keep things fair, minimize the feeling of privacy invasion by some, and make others feel like they don’t belong. Having some move into a previously occupied room while others get to keep their old room is not ideal.

Looking back, we were not at all ready for this huge step. Our first mistake was that we did not have the chance to start in a new neutral home. Instead, we moved in with Frank, where he lived with his previous family and where both Xavier and Jacob grew up. Frank’s house had been on the market for two years by the time we moved in. The market had been great for buyers at that time but not for sellers in our area.

Too small

With only three bedrooms, Frank’s house was way too small for our family of 6. Nicholas ended up taking Xavier’s room since it was also the closest room to our bedroom. He was the youngest. Nicholas was waking up in the middle of the night and early in the morning. We tried to put Benjamin and Jacob together in Jacob’s bedroom because the two of them were getting along well. Xavier ended up sleeping in the living room downstairs. That arrangement did not last long as we ended up moving Benjamin’s bedroom to the playroom downstairs. We were optimistic and thought we would only live in this arrangement for six months. We ended up living almost two years in Frank’s house before it sold.

Moving forward

After a few weeks, I felt like we were not moving forward but backward instead. I can see why blended families feel overwhelmed and often call it quits. The first three years after moving together are undoubtedly the hardest. The brutal reality of sibling conflicts, trying to find where we stand and navigating around co-parenting is not for the faint of heart. I will be writing about this in another post altogether.  

Between each rough spot, you will find immense gratitude and beauty. You will fail at pretending it is easy. You will also forget to show compassion, and you will fail to keep jealousy in check. But, I can tell you with certainty that what you are feeling is normal. You are not moving backward; you are indeed moving forward.  

Have you heard of the saying “Expectation kill love”? Do not expect this blended family to be a replica of your first family. It will be much different, and it is the beauty of it. Please don’t be too hard on yourself and others. They are going through changes as much as you. Because we are human and typically do not like change, these changes may take time to adapt. We are creatures of habit, and some changes make us feel like we have lost control of the situation. This will be shown in different emotions such as jealousy, sadness, anger, etc.

The Storm

Those first three years after moving together, I call it “the moving storm.” It will hit you right in the face. Work as a team with your partner and have the best interest of everyone in this new family. It will get better. I am grateful we kept moving forward throughout this tornado of changes. Remember, you are all in it together! Stay faithful to your true values.

Final thoughts

The big move under one roof is one of the most challenging times for blended families. It will test every aspect of your new family. Know that most blended families go through the same difficulties in the first few years. Communicating is the key.

Follow us throughout our next posts as we navigate the three years post-moving together.

You can also get my e-book: The art of successfully blending families: A guide to a happy blended family.