The Building of our New Blended Family

We are all moved in together as a family of 6, now what?! I suggest you start building your new Blended family ASAP. Similar as building a house, you need a plan even before moving all in together. This Part of our ongoing journey as a blended family, I feel we did right. Both Frank and I were 100% on the same page when it came to building our new life as a Blended family as soon as possible. We even started to introduce house rules and routines with the kids when we did sleepovers or spent time together.

I can see how difficult it could be if this step were to be forgotten. Can you imagine a teacher trying to teach her classroom without planning and having a structure at the very beginning of the year? It would be chaotic, and no one would know where they stood. It is the same thing with your new Blended family. Without this step, everyone might be confused, feel as they were treated unfairly and would become unhappy. The new blended family would feel broken and I can see why many blended families would give up at this point and leave. Meanwhile it was not broken at all, it just needed structure. Like we all know, 70% blended family fail. Let us change this statistic.   Let me take you trough a step by step on how to start building your new Blended family.

Our foundation

Your marriage or your relationship with the love of your life is your foundation. It needs to be strong and it must always come FIRST. If your marriage suffers, everyone including the children will suffer. Remember, the children have not decided for their parents to divorce nor to be part of this new blended family. Have you ever noticed that when embarking a plane, the flight attendant teaches the adult to put the oxygen mask BEFORE he put the mask on his child? The reason is, if you run out of oxygen you will not be able to help your child put on his mask. The same thing goes for your marriage. Your relationship and both your values need to be solid so you can build other important layers together.

Keep in mind that your relationship in a blended family will be quite different then when starting a relationship without children involved. Date nights will be limited so find ways that both agree will enable an encourage discussion and quality time to keep your relationship growing. Frank and I spent a lot of time on Facetime when we both lived in different houses. We also spent time together every night after the kids were in bed once we had moved in together. I believe the bond and the unconditional love for each other might grow a little slower when starting the relationship with kids, but respect should always be present either way.

Our Structure

Do not get me wrong, the foundation will always need work but after you have built one that is solid, it is time to start building your structure. In this step it is great to have all members of the blended family involved. Structure includes but not limited to:

• Daily and bedtime routines (time you wake up, have supper together, etc.)
• House rules (screen time, chores, respect, etc.)

Benefits

I consider myself an “expert” in routine. My interest in routines began the year before my first child, Benjamin, was born. My friend, Dorine, bought me a book called “Healthy sleep habits, happy child” from Marc Weissbluth, an American Pediatrician. I realized how extremely important it was to have a daily routine for children.

Having a routine reduces stress and brings a balance between tasks that are fun and tasks that are functional, such as getting dressed. Research shows that when we have a predictable daily routine it makes us feel secure in a loving environment.

Choosing your rules and routine

My daily routine with Benjamin and Nicholas was different than Frank, Xavier, and Jacob’s daily routine. As simple as the time you wake up and have breakfast can trigger tensions in your new blended family. Frank and I sat down and decided the routine and the rules that were important to us and were not negotiable like, time spent on screens. We sat down with the boys and shared our new routine, so they knew exactly what we were expecting from them and our values. They were also involved with some decisions on the negotiable rules. Having the children involved in the decision making made them feel included and being part of this new life. They may be more apt to follow the rules and routine when they are made as a family.

Consistency

It takes time for a new routine to be established, so be patient and understandable with each of you. It will not be perfect, and adjustments will need to me made. The new routine is probably quite different from the one that were accustomed to, so it will take longer for the kids to adjust every time. Be consistent. We missed a few friends and family gatherings because it was interfering with our new bedtime routine. I think it was necessary to wait a couple months before breaking up the routine for the first time. Its okay to break the routine occasionally so everyone learns how to cope with changes. It’s like a diet, you are not on it if you break it 2 days after it begins.  

Be patient

For us, it took about a year to feel somewhat “normal”. Research shows it takes between 2 to 7 years for your blended family to bond completely and become tighter. Well, we are on our 7^th year and I can honestly say that the first 2 years were exceedingly difficult, but the bond we have today brings me tremendous joy. I am beyond grateful, we all continued working together on our beautiful family.

If you are planning to move in together or have been in a blended family for a long time, I would love to hear about your experiences. Please comment at the bottom of our post. Follow us on our ongoing journey as a blended family…