A Divorced Mom
Oops, I did it again! Are you tired of those confusing and endless conversations with your ex-partner? Those that started with something regarding the kids but ended up on something totally unrelated and got you frustrated. Yesterday, I had one of those conversations, but thank God I had set clear boundaries years ago with the father of my children. However, once in a blue moon, I get carried away, but after 9 years since our divorce, I know now when it’s happening, and I stop playing the game. Here is why you need to set healthy boundaries with your ex-partner so you can finally move forward.
What are boundaries
Boundaries are kind of like an imaginary line between you and others. However, they are not there to separate you from your family, friends or even your ex. Healthy boundaries should exist so you can connect with others while always staying true to yourself. Your imaginary line tells others how they should treat you; what is acceptable and what is not. So poor boundaries can lead anyone to take advantage of you, including your ex-partner.
Types of boundaries
There are many types of boundaries, but we will talk more about emotional, physical, time and relationship boundaries since these are related to the ones you need to set with your ex.
Emotional
Emotional boundaries are your feeling and how you want to protect them. It can also be what you are willing to share about your private life.
Physical
Physical boundaries are about your personal space. You might not like to be hugged or vis versa.
Time
Time boundaries are how you balance your life. This is where you value your time to be. Where will you spend your time between home, work, leisure, etc.?
Relationship
Relationship boundaries define the connections you have with others. It establishes the level of dependence on each other. Suppose the relationship is a romance, friend, colleague, etc.
Why you need to set clear and healthy boundaries
The first few years after my divorce, I had poor boundaries with the father of my children. He kept texting me day and night when he had the children on the weekend. He did so to let me know what they did wrong and how they misbehaved. Those back-and-forth texts or emails could go on for hours. Most of the time, the conversation ended with me trying to advise him on handling a situation with the kids. Still, it often ended with him prying into my personal life and making me feel like I was a horrible mother or person.
As you can see, I had poor emotional, time and relationship boundaries with my ex. Does this sound familiar to you? If it does, it is time for you to set clear and healthy boundaries. This is not a way of living, and a couple of months from now, you will be so grateful you did.
The benefits of healthy boundaries with your ex
Firstly, healthy and clear boundaries will give you emotional security. This will protect your well-being and improve your mood and mental health. Secondly, it will allow you to separate your thoughts and your need to try to help constantly. Helping can be gratifying, but it gives your ex-partner a chance to take advantage of you. Thirdly, you will be in control of your valuable time. Finally, it will gratefully prevent future conflict and save you from headaches and sleepless nights.
Here is how to set healthy boundaries with your ex
The first step is an essential one:
Self-reflection
1. Sit down and look at what boundaries you have in place. Determine which boundaries are working for you and which ones are making you feel insecure and stressed.
2. Now, it’s time to set your boundaries. Every situation is unique, so feel free to use them the way it works for you. Here are some examples of boundaries I have set for myself.
My boundaries – My peace of mind
- I draw the line on how my ex-partner can treat or talk to me. Respect is always a must from both sides.
- I only use one way for all communications (texting).
- I don’t answer any text not children related.
- I don’t answer his texts after 8 PM.
- I let my ex-partner manage discipline by himself in his own home. I don’t get involved anymore.
- I only let my ex-partner come to the door when it is time to pick up the kids.
- I don’t share personal information and stay away from his love life.
- I’m not responsible for his emotions or feelings.
- I keep our relationship business-like.
- I don’t try to explain my perspective or point of view anymore. I have accepted that I have no control over my ex’s beliefs.
Here are more examples from other people:
- Don’t get physically involved (you’ve been there and done that).
- Keep your finances private. You are not responsible for his financial problems.
- Even if he plays the victim, you should no longer take responsibility for his feelings.
- Don’t flirt.
- Don’t call to get help to fix things at home. Ask a friend instead.
- Don’t say Yes when you want to say NO!
3. After you’ve set your boundaries, it’s essential to practice them and be consistent as much as possible. It may take some time, so be patient with yourself.
Final thoughts
Boundaries can be difficult to establish for some people. However, poor boundaries might be the reason for these emotions if you are feeling frustrated and stressed after a conversation or meeting with your ex-partner. Self-reflection and setting clear and healthy boundaries can improve your life and finally let you move forward and become more independent. Did you like this post? Check out how to co-parent with a high conflict ex.
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