6 Tips On How To Be A Great Stepdad!

Written by my Dad Frank

Hi, I’m Frank, the oldest male and the father figure within our blended family. With 4 young and impressionable boys, being a good role model is particularly important. My actions and more importantly my reactions to everyday situations concerning the boys will help shape how they grow up and become good men within our society. There are certainly no magic formulas to succeed, but below you will find recommendations that I personally believe can help pave the way. Here are 6 tips on how to be a great stepdad.

6 Tips to be a great stepdad

1. Leave the discipline to the biological parent at first

At the beginning of any new blended family, it is important not to be the one who does the discipline for the stepchildren. This should be the responsibility of the biological parent. I’m sure there will be times when you may feel the obligation to step in or lead in the discipline. However, it is best to remember that the stepchildren may not react positively. For some, the separation may still be fresh, and they may view you as someone trying to replace their biological father.

As a great stepdad, it’s sometimes hard to put ourselves in their shoes. Hence, as a rule of thumb, if the issue at hand is not endangering them at the moment and can be addressed by the biological parent, it may be best to remove yourself from the situation.

I’m sure there are exceptions to that rule, such as imminent danger, but for the most part, situations such as these should be uncommon. Talk with your partner before moving in as one big family about common rules and consequences. This will help with consistency. (More on that later)

2. Do not try to hard to be liked:

As a great stepdad, we all want to be liked by our stepchildren. Ideally, we would all be one big happy family from day one. For some, this may be a reality, but for most, this takes time. Depending on the age of the children, the time needed for the new blended family to become one can vary. Showering the stepchildren with gifts or going above and beyond just to be liked is only a short-term solution. This will not create a strong foundation for your relationship with them in the years to come.

Sure, they will like you at the time, but what happens later when they become immune to the routine. Be yourself, pay attention to their needs and play the role of the cool uncle. Also, how does this help build a real relationship with them when all you have done has been forced or, even worse, faked. (More on that later).  

3. Equally pay attention to your biological children:

As much as it’s important to pay attention to your stepchildren, don’t forget to pay attention to your biological children equally. This may seem obvious, but this may also be the most difficult line to balance. Balancing between trying to gradually become a bigger part of your stepchildren’s lives while still focusing on your own biological children can be challenging.

The perception amongst all the children will be critical in how you navigate these seas. With added children into the mix, your time will now become a shared commodity. How much time you spend with each of them may vary. This is something that you will need to figure out as time goes by.

Be conscious of the children’s possible perceptions. It is more than likely that one or more of them may believe that you are spending more time with one over the others. Even though this may not be a reality, it is, in fact, theirs. How you deal with this will be greatly important to each of their needs. To be a great stepdad, don’t be afraid to talk to the children (More on that later) and ask them how they feel. Make them feel like they are part of the solution. You will be surprised how honest dialog can go a long way.

4. Be consistent:

We talked a bit earlier about being consistent with discipline but being consistent should really apply to everything. Consistency is the key to being a great stepdad. This is something that is key to being a parent in general. Children appreciate consistency as they like knowing where they stand and what they can or cannot do.

Imagine if you were permitted to take a 1h lunch some days at work, but you would be reprimanded other times for doing so. It would be confusing, right? Maybe even frustrating? This is how children feel when we, as parents, apply different rules for the same actions.

This also applies to how you treat your stepchildren and your biological children. Be consistent and treat them equally. Remember that you are now one big, blended family and that everyone should feel as if they are treated fairly and belong to the blended family as much as the others.

5. Play the role of the cool uncle:

At first, a great way to bond with the stepchildren is to play the role of the cool uncle (great stepdad). Now, what do I mean by this? Let me explain.

• The cool uncle usually doesn’t have to do any discipline.
• He also gets to enjoy the children by playing games or doing activities that they enjoy.
• Give them gifts occasionally.
• He becomes a person that the children look forward to seeing.
• The cool oncle does, however, make sure they are safe.
• Think of a babysitter, some rules need to be followed, but others are not yours to enforce.

You may be thinking, isn’t this the same as trying too hard. The key to a proper balance is moderation. All these actions in moderation will help you get closer to them and create a real bond based on the real you.  Do things that you have in common with them, and that comes naturally.  This will make everything enjoyable for all involved.

6. Talk to the children:

I’ve saved what I believe to be the best for last. Are you looking for answers? Why not ask the ones that are the most affected, the children? Communication is key but also often the most difficult of the steps to master. I, for one, am terrible at talking about feelings. This is one topic that makes me uncomfortable. I know this is also true for a lot of others. As much as it is uncomfortable and can be very difficult to talk about openly, it’s also the most important thing you can do as a blended family.

Talking to the children is of utmost importance. Knowing how they feel can help you navigate each of the dos and don’ts we have discussed today. The better we understand our children, the better we can help guide them in the right direction. Being understood is something we all want. It can take away a lot of the frustrations and stress that come with blending two families. Remember that these frustrations and stresses are not only adult issues but also ones felt by the children.

In the end, all we really want is everyone to be happy within their new blended family. Do you have any tips or comments to share about you became a great stepdad? Leave us a message. We would love to hear from you.

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