How To Succeed At Parenting In A High Conflict Divorce

Written by Cecile

Co-parenting challenges

Yes, you read it right! How to Succeed at co-parenting in a high conflict divorce is to stop and change your style. Trying to succeed by applying a single co-parenting style in a high conflict relationship with your ex-spouse might bring more harm than good to the children. Stepfamily Foundation says that 1300 stepfamilies are formed every day and that more than 50% of families in the US are either remarried or recoupled. In 2017, 356,230 children from Canada lived with one biological and one stepparent (Statistic Canada). Now it’s time to talk and find a parenting style that works for the sake of our children.

Before you think I am crazy and resent me for not co-parenting for the sake of my children, let me explain. For years, I felt guilty about not being able to successfully co-parent with the father of my children. I hated the fact that I could not manage co-parenting. Therefore, I have searched high and low for that perfect solution for many years, and everything I tried ended up in disappointment.

My blog is intended to give tools, tips and hope to all blended families. The issue here is that I had no idea how to co-parent and help you succeed at this very challenging and crucial task. How could I help you if I could not do it myself? What is co-parenting anyway? That was until I truly had a good period of reflection. Then I realized I was disappointed in myself for years for something I had no idea the true meaning of.

Co-parenting Styles

Cooperative and collaborative style

First, there is more than one co-parenting style. The one that many of us know and talk about the most and aim for is called the “cooperative and collaborative style.” This is the best and represents the dream scenario. This is when both parents are involved and plan almost everything surrounding the children together. The word co-parenting is sometimes misused to describe the cooperative and collaborative style. We associate co-parenting with this style of parenting. Therefore, many of us aim to follow this style, including me, without even knowing that this style is extremely hard to achieve for most divorced parents. 

Secondly, this style involves low conflict, mutual respect, and great communication. Don’t fool yourself; it’s easier said than done, especially when the recent divorce and emotions are high. You really need two people on the same page.  

Pitfalls of the cooperative and collaborative style

Why is the cooperative and collaborative style so hard to navigate when this is supposed to be the best parenting style for our children? Here is why! Parenting style is one of the top reasons couples fight. It is hard even for healthy and happy couples, so you can imagine how hard it can be for a couple who recently experienced a divorce. Remember that we often divorce because we are not on the same page anymore or never were, to begin with. So, I was setting myself up for failure right from the beginning.

If you succeed at this parenting style, I salute you. Keep going; you are doing great. As I said, this is the best co-parenting style if it is done well. What happens if it is not done well? You might feel some guilt and disappointment toward yourself, just like I did. Therefore, I was frustrated with myself and toward the father of my children. Also, he was probably feeling the same way. Soon enough, our children started to feel the cold and hostile environment we had created. None of us wanted to raise our children this way. We wanted to raise happy children. When a co-parenting style is not working positively, it is time to find a new style that will, for the sake of the children.

Although I wanted to “co-parent” for the sake of my children, I believe there is one other way to achieve it. This second style is called “parallel parenting.”

Parallel Parenting Style

Have you ever heard of this style before?  Although I have been parenting this style for quite some time now, I had no idea there was an actual name for it. Parallel parenting is apparently the most common style used for high conflict parents or parents who are not on the same page.

Parallel parenting maintains collective responsibility while disconnecting from both parents’ personal lives. Contrary to the cooperative and collaborative style, parallel parenting is more straightforward and precise to avoid communication as much as possible. So instead of using a style that is not working, why not try using a style that works for everyone. 

The Positive Outcome

This style has been a positive strategy for us. While Parallel parenting, all communication is business-like and focused only on the children. We choose the day-to-day decisions independently for our children when they are with us, while important decisions like medical care are still joint.

Our children now know that each parent’s house might not have the same rules, and they have adapted very well. I have taught them that depending on where we are; we need to adapt to our environment and new rules, just like going to school or going to work. The best way to start parallel parenting is to create a plan. Here are some great tips on how to create a parallel parenting plan.

I was so relieved knowing that there was another way, and it was okay! Our children benefit more from this style. It’s much better than trying and failing miserably while attempting the cooperative and collaborative style. Furthermore, I am calmer and less irritable, making me a better, healthier mother for them.   

Final thoughts

The parallel parenting style has reduced stress for our entire blended family. Although cooperative and collaborative co-parenting is still ideal, parallel parenting could be a style that works more positively until both parents end up on the same page, if ever.  So instead of aiming for a collaborative and cooperative co-parenting style and going against the grain, STOP! Give yourself a fighting chance to achieve and raise happy children.

Is parallel parenting for you? We want to hear what is your co-parenting style and how you manage in a positive way? We can’t wait to hear from you. Do you want to find out more about parenting? Check out this blog post by Dani Cvetanova: Neglectful parenting and the role of the father or Which parenting style is the most encouraged in modern America.

Subscribe and follow us so you will not miss our new posts on our journey as a blended family. Check out my new e-book: The Art of Successfully Blended Families: A guide to a happy blended family.