Written by Cecile
Hi, I’m Cecile, the mom of Ella’s Blended family pack. If there is one big thing that can cause the final breaking point for any blended family, rivalry between stepsiblings would be one of the top reasons for many. But how can we manage rivalry positively between stepsiblings?
Don’t sweat the small stuff
After 7 years living together as a blended family, I will be straight forward and say to you today: Don’t sweat the small stuff. When my now husband, Frank, first told me “Don’t sweat the small stuff” about a year into our blending journey, I got mad. I could not see the big picture and I was micromanaging every step of every rivalry between the boys. So much so that I could not talk myself into taking a step back. I was looking at every angle and perspective encompassing the current situation and overanalyzing it.
Now you may be think that Rivalries between stepsiblings is catastrophic. Today, I can tell you it is not, and It was not at that time either. Let’s look closely at every layer of this matter. I will explain the major obstacles blended families might encounter and how to manage the potential rivalries between siblings.
In our blended family, Xavier and Jacob are not Frank’s and Benjamin and Nicholas are not mine, they are OUR children. Writing those words today makes me feel complete. I could not be more content and prouder of being part of this family, even if it is not always perfect. I love every imperfection of our blended family of 7 (including Ella our family dog).
In this post though, I will refer Xavier and Jacob as my stepsons and Benjamin and Nicholas as my sons just for simplicity’s sake. This should help you to understand the role they play within our blended better.
Stepsiblings vs Siblings and/or Haft Siblings
Obstacles
Let me be clear here, stepsiblings are much different then siblings or haft siblings. Unlike full or haft sibling, steps siblings have no parent in common and sometimes they have absolutely nothing in common beside sharing the house they live in.
Let me help you put this into context. We have all had that one person in a workplace, at school or in a group that we had nothing in common with and whom didn’t share any core values. Thank goodness we were able to decide that we didn’t want to be friends with that person. Now imagine if you would have been forced to share and live with that person. Now imagine how difficult this situation must be for children who are not able to control or express their emotions. Let us see how we can manage this.
How to manage it
Firstly, you cannot force anyone to like someone. The only control you have is to create environments / surroundings where they have the best chance to grow and learn to like each other. Forcing it might bring frustrations and create a hostile environment for every member of the new family. Even the ones who are not involved in the current matter will be negatively affected. Forcing a relationship before an emotional bond is formed will not create a happy blended family. So, spend your time creating memories and positive environments instead. You can find ideas from one of our posts: The Building of our new Blended family.
Secondly, bring your expectation down a notch. My biggest mistake was that I expected everyone to love each other right away and live happily ever after. Afterall, I had found the man of my dream so why can’t everyone be happy? My sons were brought up as being helpful and grateful. Which is good, but the downside of this is they are people pleasers and people will take advantage of them just like their mom. My stepsons were more self-centered / independent which is totally normal for kids their age at that time. The way they were brought up was different, not that one way is better then the other, they were simply different.
My advice is, expect them to be respectful and friendly. Not friends, but friendly. Don’t expect less then that, and not more for the first year or two. If they are friends right away that is great. Let’s get back to my earlier example. Remember that person that you had nothing in common with at school, workplace, or group? Do you remember how is felt in that the environment you were both in? Where you both respectful and friendly? If you were not, do you remember how uncomfortable it was for you and the other colleagues and friends?
Birth orders matters
Obstacles
When you bring two families togethers, the birth orders do matter. Imagine the youngest child from one family now becoming the middle child in this new blended family. Their rank has now changed and that can be very confusing for them. Parent one on one time and the amount of attention they receive might also change depending on the new dynamics. So, this new family can become a constant reminder, for the now middle child, that he will no longer be getting as much attention as he used to.
In blended families, it is more likely to have larger age differences between the youngest and the oldest. This will more than likely create a larger gap between each child’s interests. Nicholas was 5 and Xavier was 11-year-old when we started living together. Nicholas was into small hot wheels while Xavier was more interested in video games. As an example, an outing at the park was not something that all 4 boys enjoyed thus having a less happy child at the outing. Situations like these will most likely create jealousy and possibly fights. This obstacle can be seen within any blended family. Let see how this one can be managed.
How to manage it
Fights between brother and sisters in a traditional family is common and necessary. For a lot of us parents, we find them unnecessary, they get on our nerves and we get upset. At times we also get scared someone might get hurt. They normally fight to get attention, feel powerful, to make the other look bad and the list goes on. However, they also learn to negotiate, manage conflicts, and find solutions. For blended families, this normal process can add fuel amongst all the other challenges. Our job as parents is to help them learn those particularly important skillsets. We can help by providing one on one quality time, giving them their own privacy, and making sure they have their own personal items. These simple steps will help them feel like they still get to be themselves.
Taking sides
Obstacles
Let’s be real here, it is going to be hard for the bio-parent not to take sides. This is especially true at first while you have yet to create that all important emotional bond with your stepchildren. Chances are this matter will bring some tension between you and your partner. Enough that at one point you might want to walk away thinking this environment is bad for your children and not worth it. I am saying that because I was there. I was walking in those same shoes that you may be walking in today. And if you never felt this way, embrace it because most of us did.
If you and your partner respect and show compassion for each other and that you are also both in it for the long run, please don’t run. I will share with you a few tips that might help ease these growing pains.
How to manage it
First, give it time! While time passes, you will learn to love and bond little by little with your stepchildren. Therefore, it will become easier not to take a side and to look at things more objectively.
Secondly, never ever bring down your partner or argue regarding the children’s rivalry in front of them. If you do, it will just escalate to no good. Nothing good will come out of it. Wait when you are calm and alone to discuss these matters and make sure you both are on the same page when it come to the consequences.
Thirdly, each parent should discipline their own child, especially at first. Creating a bond first is more important. For more on information on how to create a bond with your stepchildren see our post here.
Finally, embrace old traditions and create new ones for your blended family. For example, we have family game nights. It’s one way we get to bond with each of them.
Rivalry VS Bulling
This is something I personally had trouble with. When is it normal and when it is too much? Being a unique child, I had trouble distinguishing normal rivalry versus bullying. I did a lot of research and came up with this checklist to help me stay as objective as possible. Now I let themselves find solutions to their conflicts when I can. Here are the questions I ask myself before I interfere.
- Do they make peace after a fight or disagreement?
- Are there times they can play of have a healthy conversation?
- Can they sometimes show compassion to one and another?
- Can we plan an activity and have fun?
- Are they happy to see each other most of the time?
If my answers to all the questions is yes, then I conclude it’s more than likely a sibling rivalry. If you are still unsure and they are constantly fighting every day, show no respect even though there are house, maybe its time to consult a heath professional to get help with this matter. They are knowledgeable and will be able to give you the tools needed to help manage these situations. This will help create a happier blended family. Here is a great article from Verywell family
Final thoughts
Rivalry between siblings is quite normal even if it can manifest itself in different ways with stepsiblings. On top of the obstacles and the small ways to manage them, the best advice I can give you is do not sweat the small stuff. With time these obstacles that once seemed insurmountable will become much smaller and easier to handle.
Have you had any obstacles you would like to share? How did you manage them? If you have any other great tips or advice for other blended families what would they be? We can’t wait to hear from you.
This is a tough subject for many families, and an important one considering over have of US marriages end in divorce. Thank you for your openness, honesty and willingness to share some things that have worked for your family, and giving hope to others that may find themselves in a similar situation!
Thank you Alicia. I’m glad you liked it. More the 1300 step families are form each day in the U.S alone, so we really need to talk more about blended families obstacles.